Today the dogs and I walked in mizzle, the West Country term for a mixture of mist and drizzle, a drizzle that is deceptively heavy. Not a day for the heavy of heart. To counter the mizzle, I might have posted something bright and cheery or amusing or musical, had the heaviness of heart not been mine.
Two nights ago my niece died, thirteen months - almost - to the day since one of her older brothers died. She was just 49, as was he. She had two children, as had he, although hers are younger, still at school. There are other parallels too.
It is very hard for my brother to lose two children in such a short space of time; it is not the natural order of things. I can only begin to guess at the pain that those who were closest to her are feeling; I do, however, know what it is to lose, within six months of each other, two people whom I had once loved dearly. The shock and pain one is feeling from the first loss is still so palpable and raw that the mind and body put up a kind of shield against the shock and pain of the second loss. It can take months, years, for the second grief to work its way into one's consciousness, demanding to be acknowledged - and set free.
I cannot say too much of the circumstances and there is to be a post mortem but whatever emerges is her story and belongs to her loved ones.
As for me, I am grappling with something. The old hippie in me has always wanted to believe that love is the glue that holds everything and everyone together and that if there is enough love . . . but, sometimes, even all the love in the world is not enough. It is the hard, true thing that we all have to learn, sooner or later, but we also have to learn to keep on loving right through the pain because not to love would be unthinkable.
I'm so sorry for such a painful loss for you and your family. It is a shocking thing when love is not enough to penetrate deeply held sadnesses - we have to keep on though, don't we?
Will be thinking of you and yours as I go about the everyday.
Posted by: colleen | January 09, 2013 at 09:34 AM
My dear D, my thoughts are with you and your family in pain and grief.
M x
Posted by: Maureen | January 09, 2013 at 09:40 AM
I am so sorry for you loss. The grief of this double bereavement is almost unimaginable. Your reflection on love, though, hits the spot exactly and, for what it's worth, I will be praying for your family.
Posted by: Dancing Beastie | January 09, 2013 at 01:03 PM
So sorry. Please acept my heartfelt condolences.
Posted by: Monica Eisenberg | January 09, 2013 at 09:07 PM
I am so sorry. May you and your family find strength and solace in each other.
Posted by: materfamilias | January 10, 2013 at 02:52 AM
Oh gosh... I am just so, so, sorry. For you, and also for your brother and his family. You're right, it doesn't seem to be the natural order of things. It's what my MIL said when her middle child died in his early fifties, and while my own mother didn't say it when my brother died in his forties, I'm sure she struggled with that thought, privately. She was a nurse, so of course saw a lot of things that weren't 'in the natural order of things'.
It must be so very hard to lose a child. I hope I never have to deal with it. My sympathies.
Posted by: Jay from The Depp Effect | January 12, 2013 at 08:14 PM
Hello, I've just found your wonderful blog but I'm so sorry to read your most recent post. You write beautifully and poetically. I know how hard it is to lose two loved ones close in time. I recently lost my Mum and Dad within a year of each other. When I read that you are a cancer survivor too, well, I knew I had to add you my list of blogs to read. I had aggressive breast cancer at the age of 40 (not as aggressive as me though-ha!) and all's well. Best wishes to you and your family at this sad time, Claire
Posted by: Claire | January 15, 2013 at 01:21 PM
In my mid 30s I lost both my parents within a few months. The love and kindness shown to me at that time was bitter sweet, I couldn't have managed without it yet I the grief was dreadful and the pain never really goes. We just learn to live with it. A beautifully expressed post, I am sorry for your sadness and sending you kind thoughts.
Posted by: Jennyff | January 15, 2013 at 01:28 PM
Thank you all so very much for your kindness and understanding - and for your good wishes, which I have shared with my family. I can see that others of you have walked this path, as have close friends of mine, you are absolutely right Jennyff, ' . . . the pain never really goes. We just learn to live with it'. And we do.
In the days since I wrote this post, there have been times, experiences, books - and the dear dogs, of course - that gave me great pleasure, that made me smile, and an evening with friends during which we laughed long and often about all manner of things.
Claire, welcome and I hope you will return, often. I loved your comment about the pesky cancer not being as aggressive as you!
Posted by: 60 going on 16 | January 15, 2013 at 02:56 PM
Not sure how I stumbled across your blog. Perhaps via "Life on a Small Island" ?
Lovely touching post. Oh the burdens people carry in the silence of their hearts.
I try to think of that when someone cuts me off in traffic. Really I do.
All the best from Nova Scotia.
Posted by: Sybil | January 15, 2013 at 03:18 PM